Two Hours I Loved and Two I Want Back

Perhaps my car accident has affected my ability to think properly – but I want two hours of my life back after sitting through The Black Swan. This is not to say it is a terrible movie – just slow and pointless.  But on the plus side –  if  you can sit through 40 minutes of it there is some nice lesbo action.  Otherwise,  if you are not a woman, a really sissy gay guy, or happen to really like ballet – this movie is about as dull as a film can be.  I don’t want to say any more so as to not crush the feelings of the many who thought it was the best thing since sliced bread – some whom are on my Facebook and pay my salary.   But sitting through two hours just to see the poor girl … well I won’t tell the ending … but let’s just say it was more than a little predictable – and this is coming from a guy who didn’t know how Star Wars Episode III was going to end!  Now I jest – Star Wars was indeed a much worse movie, but at least it had light sabers.

Another note is that I stand at  ” 0 for a whole lot ” as far as movies recommended to me by anyone.  My friend Gustavo said that I had to see this movie for many reasons: none of which are very clear to me.  But it probably involved his passion for high art and our philosophical conversations.  Herein lies the problem.  After a deep conversation people usually tend to think they know my taste: the bizarre, the left field.  Which is sort of right – but not exactly. But in the end they tend to miss the mark – as he did.  As a matter of fact, I can’t remember the last time I saw a flick that someone recommended to me  (and when I say ‘recommend’ I mean it in the passionate sense of the word, not simply a, “yeah you should check it out it was a good movie” … it’s the “urging me to see it – it’s very deep and you as an artist would love it” type of recommendation) that I have liked.

The “you’re an artist and so you would like it” line is the one that gets me the most.  It has been used on me by everyone from acquaintances to my beloved brother, but truly I think there is nothing more boring than to watch an entire movie about making movies, or books or plays or paintings or anything for that matter.  At least my brother seemed to get it an hasn’t recommended another writer movie to me in a while.  As far as that genre of filmmaking goes:  Fellini pulled it off in 8 1/2 and Intervista, Steve Allen did it perfectly in Bowfinger and Woddy Allen was able to do it on more than one occasion.  But all these are humorous takes on making art, much different than say, Dead Poets Society and a handful of other movies whose names I have erased from memory.  But as the famous saying goes “to each his own” so in the spirit of re-gifting – ala Seinfeld (when you don’t like a gift send it to someone else who might appreciate it more) I meekly recommend this movie to you the reader and leave it to you to make your own opinion.

On a lighter note – I have been on a super hero movie binge for the last few months.  I’ve watched everything from all the Supermans, half of Supergirl (hint: it was not great) the Marvel stuff and of course the new ones that came out this year.  I can’t say that any I’ve seen since the two new Batmans have been anything remarkable.  I know most people went gaga for the great Downy Jr. and his Iron Man but I felt it was short and anti-climatic.  Thor came close to offering a real character sketch but it needed to be a bit longer and be a bit more awe-inspiring – we’re talking about Demi Gods here!  And  X-Men First Class was just a drag that almost made me fall asleep half way through.  Did we really need to know about every little fart Prof. Xavier and Magneto took before they became the exciting characters we love.  Surmising the film … two hours to find out how X got in the wheel chair and became a bald-headed Patrick Stewart.  The answer to the latter was stress … the first one I won’t spoil for you.  The bright side of the film was that at least I didn’t have to wear those damn 3D glasses and I got a big discount at the movie theatre. Oh did I forget to mention Green Lantern … that’s because I didn’t even bother to waste my time.

This said – I am giving two thumbs up to Captain America.  It had its flaws for sure.  It appeared the script writers seemed to have forgotten words I learned in Jr High School English class: cliff hangers, nail bitters, character flaws and weaknesses (Capt. was just too impermeable – even Superman was always in danger of getting stuck with some Kryptonite around his neck) and emotional connection to secondary characters : especially ones that the filmmakers go out of their way to bring  back only to have killed off. I heard not one AWW in the theatre when Captain’s best friend died.  If you’re upset that I spilled the beans, don’t worry, watch the movie it’s not much of a spoiler – trust me.  It happens and then it’s on to the next scene and you’re over it.

Oh yea, there was one english class word that was not forgotten ANTI CLIMAX.  This stems from the fact that the villain was not much of a menace. This was truly a “showcase of Captain America” movie.  So with a not so scary villain, the end was not so exciting.  It was more a vehicle to get Captain into the 21st century and into the Avengers movie which is all the buzz.

So after seeming to trash the movie, why pray tell did I begin by saying I give it two thumbs up?  Because the movie plain old knocked a punch and was as fun as a summer movie should be without being completely brain-dead.  There was action and romance, and great cinematography. The acting was measured and the script moved along at a nice brisk pace and the special effects were done with class.  It was a perfect 2 hours of cool times in the dark theatre and I felt pleased at the end.    It also marks the first time I saw a 3D movie without wanting to smash my glasses. I still am not a big fan of the “new way” to see movies and I did get a headache after wards.  But the movie worked in the medium and I even jumped once when Captain threw his shield at an enemy.  I recommend this film to anyone just wanting to have a good time without feeling guilty about it the next day.

Next on my list is the THE SMURFS.  I want to simmer in thoughtlessness for a while.